how to: coffee date

Grabbing breakfast with Lithuanian girl at Sonoma, Rose Bay

Grabbing breakfast with Lithuanian girl at Sonoma, Rose Bay


Step 1. Ask a girl out. Pretty obvious, you can't go on a coffee date without a date. There are many ways to find and meet girls, you can meet them through friend groups, social circles, hitting the clubs and bars, or what I think is the easiest: tinder. I go on an equal number of dates through IRL day to day stuff, but I don't have video of myself asking them out (obviously) so I'll stick to tinder screenshots. 



Step 2. Arrange a place, and a time. Easiest way to arrange a place and time that will work for both of you, is to firstly pick 2 days that you're free and give her the option to choose. This makes it much more relaxed and not needy in the slightest. As for the location, pick a place that's well known and easy to find and get to. I live in Sydney about 10min from the CBD so I meet at pretty much the exact same place every time, on the steps of Sydney town hall. It's close to public transport, everyone knows it, and it's very public. Remember to think about how the girl must feel meeting a stranger for the first time, it might be a little threatening even if she's meeting the most legit, honest and genuine guy. A public place will be more comfortable. 



Step 3. Meeting. Greet with a hug, introduce yourself blah blah blah, start walking in a random direction and just go through the usual first time meeting someone small talk. I say random direction because that's literally what I do, and is what I find works best. I meet them at town hall and I'll just lead in a random direction with no purpose of where to go, and eventually we will pass some cafe or shop where we can grab takeaway coffee. Spontaneity is best. If they ask where we're going I'll just say "I honestly don't know, but we'll pass a nice place eventually." That's the thing about confidence and congruence, the confident guy has nothing to hide. And on this point, if you're feeling nervous, just say something like: "I'm actually feeling a little nervous, not going to lie," and you'll relieve much of the tension. No girl is going to like "omg, how awkward," in fact she'll probably think something like: "Oh wow that's actually kind of confident being so honest about that."

Try not to talk too much, you don't need to. Try to for the most part to just lead and guide conversation, just add small things here and there, small fillers to keep conversation flowing. A lot of guys including my past self, just talk non stop to try and hide the fact that you're nervous. Just slow it down and be okay with silences in conversation, don't rush to fill silences with fumbled small talk, she will fill in the gaps for you, pretty much every time. 

Good posture and body language are the two most underrated things. Having good posture and body language will speak a thousand words about your confidence. Strong eye contact is another good thing to keep in mind. Just think of Ryan Gosling in La La Land, he never talks unless he needs to, he speaks at a fairly moderate pace, and when he's not speaking you can just naturally tell he's comfortable with himself. That's entirely his posture and body language speaking there. 

Step 4. Go and get takeaway coffee and sit in a park. It's about as casual as it can get and also as cheap as you can get and parks are generally nice places to sit and talk. I'll just sit with the girl and talk, sometimes for hours. You might say I don't want to waste that much time talking, but if I'm spending hours talking to a girl it's not because all I'm thinking about is banging her, it's because I'm genuinely interested in her. Sometimes I meet a girl and I'm just like nah. Nope. And I'll just make an excuse to leave as politely as possible. Other times I won't even notice 5 hours go by.

Looking back on all my conversations sitting in good old Hyde Park, they're just pretty basic, although very genuine and interesting conversations about family, school, university, life, dreams/goals, things we like or dislike. There are no tricks or scripts to memorise or anything. Just talk about whatever you want, talk about your passions and interests. That's all there is to it. You could talk about broccoli, and as long as you were genuinely interested and passionate about broccoli, the girl would be interested and engaged in the conversation. Lower your expectations for conversation and just be okay talking about whatever. 

Step 5. Now that you've spent a good couple of hours just talking or walking or whatever, it's probably about time to either say goodbye or make a move. If you're not interested in the girl you probably should've left a while back. You can either meet up again later, or you can try something.

If I'm going to just meet up again later I'll just say something like: "I should probably get going, we've been here for a while," and just say goodbye with a hug and be on my way home. 

If I'm going to make a move ie kiss her, firstly I'll just try and judge best I can how interested she seems. Look at her body language, is her whole body turned so she's fully facing you? Has she been touching her hair while you've been talking? Has she been leaning back popping her chest [read: boobs] out more? Has she randomly brought the conversation to the topic of sex without you mentioning a thing about it? These are all the things to look for if I'm going to make a move. Just use your common sense and how she's acting and make an educated guess as to whether she's interested or not. It can actually be quite amusing watching the things that girls do when they're keen. 

As for actually making a move, I do the same shit every time and it's not even smooth or anything, but it still works. I just put my hand out and tell her to "come here," I'll just pull her in and go for a kiss. If you get rejected, the best thing to do is to laugh it off. Don't apologise for it, don't make a big deal about it, just continue talking or doing whatever it is you were doing with her. 

Talking about being smooth, I'm probably one of the least smooth guys in the world, but it doesn't matter because I'm like confidently, not smooth. Like I will make a dodgy move going for a kiss and it'll be clumsy as fuck, but I won't be embarrassed or phased by it so it nearly always goes to plan anyways. Don't worry if you're not James Bond level smooth, be okay with making a fool of yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself, nothing really matters and there's no point worrying about it because you'll soon be in the grave. 

You'll be surprised how far a coffee date can go. I've had ones where I've ended up at a Norwegian girls mansion in Vaucluse, or having classy sex in the public toilets in Hyde Park, or drinking wine playing the public piano in Queen Victoria Building. Despite what most macho dudes may think, coffee dates do end up with you getting laid. And that, is how to coffee date, or at least how I coffee date in a nutshell. 

- Dan